13 years. 13 years that’s how
long it has been here. This pain. The pain at the back of my neck, sharp stabs,
up and down my spine and the stiffness in my shoulders. And it is only now,
that I realise that this pain always come back. It is a cycle. Odd bouts of it.
I cannot track the periods, I have never attempted to. I will not put the
energy in trying to figure it out. That is not important. This time the pain
has lasted for two weeks and last night I felt like I was dying and I cracked.
Today I tried to hold it
together, but some minutes ago, or maybe closer to an hour ago, I can’t be sure
of the exact time, I cracked again.
I am low now, so very close to
the end. This time, earlier today it was all so different than before. This
time I felt myself tightening and then the slow fissuring. Not a sudden snap
this time. I could feel it all and I tried so hard to suppress it but it was
too strong. I cracked open, right then in public, in Half Way-Tree. And he saw
it and it made him angry or embarrassed or…
And I fled. I am lying on the
floor of the bathroom of the apartment and I am suffocating.
I need a friend. Just one.
Forget social circles,
colleagues and party interactions, rounds of drinks, dancing and laughter. I
don’t want those now.
I need a friend. Just one
friend. Someone to hold me when I am this low. I don’t need words of
encouragement, or prayers. No words at all, no efforts.
I am afraid that this time I
will break, I am afraid that I will fall and shatter and all my pieces will
blow away. I no longer wish for death. I really just only need a friend. One
friend to stay and hold me until it passes and I have the energy to hold myself