Wednesday marked a three-year work anniversary and I struggled all day not to cry because I am so frustrated. I am at the end; I can no longer see the point of it all. Three years in and I cannot point to a single accomplishment that I could be proud of. A salary is not enough of an incentive to inspire continued hard work and dedication. Yes I am able to pay my rent, utilities and purchase food but this is not enough. I desire so much more. I need to be doing more. I need to be in an environment where my work, time and energy is being poured into something useful, wherein I can create something valuable. The fulfilment of this need is elemental to my life. I must work on projects that are meaningful (and projects that end).
Here is the truly sucky part in February 2016; I am in some way still working on projects that were first presented to me in February 2013. This is not OK. I realise I have found myself in a strange place wherein there appears to be deliberate leadership decisions to frustrate. There are so many things I wish I could change, but I have no power there. This is a truth I must accept, starting today I no longer struggle against this. I cannot change decade’s old organisational culture dedicated to slowness, embellishments and procrastination. I have no control over processes that appear to have been designed to impede the completion of work projects. I only have control over myself and my actions. Therefore, I release any expectations to learn or grow in this position. I am at the end of this part of my journey.
Now I must focus all my energy and all my attention into finding or rather creating a space that nurtures my need to accomplish. I want to research, write and publish. I want to connect and part of a thriving creative writers and publishing community. I need to part of this fledgling Caribbean literature landscape. This is an exciting and inspiring period in Caribbean literature. Time to move on to a space that serve me in my career path and nurtures my growth as a researcher and writer.