For most of this week I have been feeling uninspired and blah. Nothing meaning appears to be happening and the activities I participate in and the work that I do seem to have very little impact. So really, what is the point of it all? And when I could offer myself no tangible positive answer, I then immersed myself into considering, my next move, how do I move forward? This matter of moving forward and deciding on the next thing to do has had me so preoccupied, that the week seemed to have blown and I did very little. This week I started reading, and paused, three books. I simply could not finish any of them. I did very little writing. I have been so lost in my thoughts and today (Saturday) I feel as if I have to confront the issues I have been having because another week of floating is unacceptable.
My primary challenge has been that I struggle with remaining present. I am either wondering or imagining what will or should happen tomorrow, next week, and next year. When I am not in the elusive future I am pondering on what has past and wishing I could change something. This frequent looking back has more often than not caused me misery. Now there is value in reflection, I will always support constructive self-assessment. However, this return to times past must be with the few to learn something. I have not been having any sort of personalised Sanfoka moments. I have not been reflecting to affirm a life lesson, I have been rethinking past mistakes. This week most of my issues arise as I reconsidered and reconstructed activities and created, “what if” scenarios and alternative outcomes.
When I am not looking back, far, far back, I seem to find myself leaping forward. I am anxious about the next stage, and last week I was quite taken in by fantasies. I daydreamed about buying a house, decorating this house, hosting dinner parties in this house; being married and having babies.
I am attempting a mental reset. I am seeking to regain control of my thoughts and hold firmly to the present moment. I am letting go of all that is already gone and releasing the need to constantly anticipate what will happen next. In this moment I am committing to focusing on what is here. Right this moment everything is good just as it is. In this moment, I am home, I am relaxed, and I am surrounded by love and warmth.